Question from a reader:
I was married for over 50 years. Two years ago, I lost my husband and have been absolutely heartbroken. My heart broke further when I realized I am no longer married to him and never will be. I hurt when I realize that I don’t know my husband in his present form, that he doesn’t miss me in the terribly sad way that I miss him. I don’t even want to see him in a white robe but long to see him in jeans and a t-shirt! I don’t even know if we will be able to live together and am not terribly fussed about living in a mansion on a golden street; I just want a cozy cottage in the country and to share it with him.
I lost confidence in the Lord because my husband spent many hours in prayer where God revealed many visions regarding healing. He received so many confirmations about healing, so we never doubted. We witnessed to many people testifying of God’s healing power. He soared through treatments with good results with all the various tests and was declared free. How we rejoiced because God had remained true to His Word and promises.
We still believed God’s power was greater, even to the last day believing for complete healing. I realize now that I was the only one who didn’t know he was dying; I truly believed nothing was beyond God!
To be honest—and I hate to say this—but it feels as if God has lied and broken His promises. I still love and serve Him and do my very best to obey and please Him, but it somehow doesn’t reach my emotions. I would be so grateful if you can assure me in any way that we will actually be able to spend some time together in Heaven, to enjoy each other’s company once more. I can’t bear to think I can no longer love him the way I do (romantic, earthy) but suddenly I have to love him like my brother!
I know we will be married to Jesus but can’t for the life of me imagine or understand what that means or will be like. My friend gave me your book on Heaven which I found very insightful.
Answer from Doreen Button, EPM staff:
Oh, your pain is so palpable. Your husband sounds like such a wonderful man, and I love how your marriage emulates the pattern of Ephesians 5 that all marriages are to aspire to yet seldom attain.
I help Randy answer reader questions. What you wrote looks all like a very normal response to the abnormality of death. We weren’t meant to be wrenched away from one another. Unfortunately, that’s our life now.
I’m a little confused about something, though. You wrote that “he was declared free.” If you mean he was told he was cancer-free by doctors, then he was healed and the promises you believed for his healing were true.
Nevertheless, we all die. So for him to get cancer again and die in that way doesn’t seem like a breach of promise. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, but no one has seen Lazarus for two thousand years because he died again.
And if I misunderstood and someone other than the doctors declared your husband cancer-free when he really wasn’t, God’s promise of healing is still true. Your husband is no longer suffering from anything, including cancer, stubbed toes, or anxiety. He is healed.
Your dream of a cozy cottage shared with your husband on the New Earth sounds lovely. Maybe you’ll work together, serving God in jeans and t-shirts—with white robes saved for special occasions like the party in Revelation 7:9ff.
I don’t know if Jesus will grant that or not. It wouldn’t surprise me. Though it also wouldn’t surprise me if we are so changed because of our sin-free nature and our ability to worship perfectly without any of the emotional and relational baggage we carry here (and may not even recognize as such), that our lives are still identifiable as fully human, yet far exceed anything we can imagine. (See 1 Corinthians 15:52ff.)
A husband and wife who loved each other dearly here on Earth are unlikely to love each other less when we’re freed from sin’s grasp and have finally experienced love in a way none of us can before we join God in His presence. It’s hard to know how that will change us—though I’m sure it will. Yet I’m also sure it will be a change for the better and one we’ll enjoy, not regret.
Randy writes, “There’s every reason to believe we’ll pick right up in Heaven with relationships from Earth. We’ll gain many new ones but will continue to deepen the old ones. I think we’ll especially enjoy connecting with those we faced tough times with on Earth and saying, 'Did you ever imagine Heaven would be so wonderful?’”
On the New Earth, we’ll no longer need to focus on what we’ve lost because we will finally be free to focus on the One who gave it all so we could all be together.
John, in Revelation 21:4-5 tells us:
[Jesus] will wipe every tear from [our] eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”
Randy has written several articles (some are taken from his book Heaven) regarding what our loved ones are now experiencing in the temporary Heaven, and about what our life with our loved ones may be like on the New Earth after the resurrection. Here are a few:
What Are My Loved Ones Experiencing in the Present Heaven?
Can We or Should We Talk to Loved Ones in Heaven?
Is It Right to Long for Reunion with Loved Ones Who Have Died?
Christians Grieve the Death of Believing Loved Ones, But We Don’t Grieve Without Hope
Please hang on to your faith. And make sure that faith is in the God of the Bible. The Psalms and the books of Job and Lamentations are full of raw cries to God over the pain of loss. When you have no words, you can pray the ones already written in Scripture. God can handle your tears. He suffered losses beyond our comprehension and understands your grief. You can go to Him with your anger, your confusion, your fear, your doubts, and your longings. He welcomes your honest lament. He loves you.
Your feelings, because of your grief, will be all over the map for a long time to come. They are real, but they won’t always tell the truth. What you read in God’s Word is always trustworthy. Marinate in it.
Also, consider finding a Christian grief counselor or a GriefShare group where you can get help processing your feelings with people who understand what you’re going through.
Be patient with yourself in the process. It will take time, but if you keep trusting God no matter how you feel, I promise you will begin to see sparks of hope and joy again. You will always be sad about such a huge loss. You will not always feel the pain in the same way you do now. Somehow happiness and grief can co-exist. And one day the grief will be gone, and you will once again stand by the one you love and together worship the One you both love even more.
Photo: Unsplash
