Question from a reader:

My wife died a year ago. I have consolation knowing that she is experiencing the joys of Heaven. We were always involved in the church; however, in my time of grief, it has been hard to attend since it’s an environment where people (couples in particular) do not assimilate well with those who are grieving. I no longer experience the fellowship my wife and I once had. I have been encouraged to assemble with God’s people, and I find that very difficult right now. I watch online services and teachings and am thankful for them. I'm just not ready to attend in person.

Answer from Stephanie Anderson, EPM staff:

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Yes, Randy can very much relate because Nanci is his soulmate and best friend, after Jesus, and she went to Heaven in March of 2022.

You might have already seen some of these resources from him related to grief, but in case not, in this article Randy shares some thoughts as well as a video interview he did with a fellow widower.

In this article, he talks about the challenge of finding your identity after loss.

Randy writes about the four biggest things that have helped him in his grief.

And here are some more blogs and articles from Randy related to grief you might like to look through.

It’s common for those who are grieving to find attending church difficult. So it’s certainly understandable that you would find aspects of church life very challenging right now, and I’m glad you are getting good teaching online. But let me also encourage you not to give up on attending church in person, and to keep seeking the Lord’s guidance as you continue grieving in the coming months. He made us to need other people, and there is something that being physically present in a church provides that being online can never fully substitute. (Both for yourself, and because He can use you to minister to others. We are all part of His body and needed!)

In his booklet Grieving with Hope, Randy writes:

Isolation never cures grief. So start with the people around you—your family, friends, neighbors, and church. If you’ve never joined a Bible-based small group, now is a great time. (If you’re not in a Christ-centered church, our ministry will try to help you find one.)

If you’re part of a church, you probably know someone with a similar loss. Such people will usually be open to talking and praying with you.

And:

Some find the grief of others uncomfortable, so they avoid people who are hurting. Those who are grieving can feel equally uncomfortable. I have seen people back away from their church because they feel left out and unwelcome.

In conversation, people might change the subject from your grief to theirs. After Nanci died, I had painful exchanges with people at church who attempted to relate to me by telling detailed stories of their loved one’s suffering and death. Temporarily, I decided to stay home. However, I was missing the encouragement I needed. Gathering with God’s people can feel risky when we are emotionally vulnerable. Yet the risk of missing comfort by not gathering is greater.

As I read your message, I thought of a family member who lost his spouse. It has been very hard for him at times, but also, he has found some beautiful fellowship at church. He began gathering with a group of men, several of whom had also lost their wives and were lonely. Now they gather at least weekly for dinner and a game, and I have seen such a difference in him personally. But it started with someone being willing to look around and see other people who were hurting, and asking if they’d like to get together. So let me encourage you that there are almost certainly other grieving people at your church who could use a friend and are also struggling. All of us have, or will experience, significant grief at some point in our lives. Ask the Lord for wisdom and direction–He promises He will give it (James 1:5).

If you have been part of a church, might you consider reaching out to your pastor or another leader and sharing honestly about your needs and how you feel it’s hard to connect with others in this season? I know at my own church, the elders would really want to know if someone could use extra support, so they could pray for that person and rally around them.

Finally, GriefShare is a wonderful resource we recommend. They have a daily email you can receive for the next year. They also offer support groups across the country. Many meet in churches, and attending a group held by a church might be a good way to meet others who are going through grief and could use mutual encouragement.

God bless you. May your heart find rest in the God who “is close to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18).