On March 13, I lost a dear friend in John Perkins; on March 19, I lost a very close friend, Carlos “Chuck” Norris (I will eventually write my thoughts about him, now is just too soon); and tomorrow, Saturday, March 28 is the fourth anniversary of Nanci's death.
For those who recently began your grief process, I can assure you that if you know Him, and reach out to Him, God will be there for you. “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you” (James 4:8). He'll be faithful. If you’re not certain you know God, you can become certain. See this article, as well as a 90-second explanation of the gospel I gave when asked by Greg Laurie.
The process of grieving is not a sprint; it’s more like a marathon, with plenty of hills, and the need to drink a lot of water along the way. There will be a roller coaster of emotions, and right when do you think you’ve “gotten over” the grief, it comes back with a vengeance. But it does get better in time. (And if it doesn't, please reach out for help from your church, pastor, or Christian friend. I highly recommend GriefShare.)
In a strange way, grief can be a gift—somehow even a privilege—and for me it has been a daily companion. It is much easier to live with now than at first, but even right after Nanci’s death, I always knew that the only cure for my grief would’ve been to have loved her less. But the absence of love isn't a good solution to anything; rather, it is itself a disease. We grieve because we love, and we need to embrace love, not deny it or push it away from our hearts. Pushing your loved one out of your mind is not healthy grieving—it is denial, and actually slows down your ability to grieve properly.
Dr. Colin Murray Parkes wrote:
The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love: it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment. To ignore this fact, or to pretend that it is not so, is to put on emotional blinkers which leave us unprepared for the losses that will inevitably occur in our own lives and unprepared to help others cope with losses in theirs.
I have much more happiness in my life than I have sadness, but nothing will ever cause me to not miss Nanci. I wouldn't want to not miss her. I will miss her until that glorious day when I first see Jesus and also see Nanci again.
Nanci’s example has continued to impact me and our daughters and their families. What God brought her through the dying process gave her a bigger view of God. That made all the difference in Nanci’s life. (I encourage readers to see this index of what I’ve written on loss, grief, eternal hope, and Nanci’s life and homecoming. There are links to several blogs with wonderful insights written by her.)
She wrote in her journal:
This is my greatest ambition: “…a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).
I want to be a woman who fears the LORD. I want to worship God, and always hold in my heart a desire to fear Him.
And she truly lived that out.
Reflecting on Psalm 25, Nanci wrote, “Psalm 25 shows me that I can wait/trust/ask for guidance after knowing God’s ways.” Read the whole psalm, then come back to read her prayer in response:
Yahweh, I begin by lifting up my soul to you—the God I trust—with great confidence.
May that which seeks my defeat (fear, weakness of resolve, self-pity, impatience, pride, bad/ungodly advice from others) never succeed in causing you or me shame. I thoroughly believe that when I wait for you, I have every reason to put my hope in you.
Continue to make your ways clear to me. I trust that when I know and follow your truth—the truth about you, and your ways—then you will reveal to me the practical day-to-day “ways” I am to choose.
You are the God of my salvation. Therefore, the best and only course for me to take is to wait all day long for you.
May your work in my life be according to your ancient mercy and steadfast love rather than according to my past sins. I am totally unworthy of your grace.
Work on my behalf in your steadfast love and goodness, O Yahweh!
Because you are solely good and upright, you are pleased to instruct me—a sinner—in your way. You delight to do this. You are ready to do this—always! You will lead the humble in what is right. You will teach the humble your way.
For those of us who keep the ways you have shown us—the way of fearing you—those paths are filled with nothing but steadfast love and faithfulness. But fearing you has to come first.
Please LORD, may your Holy Spirit direct my prayers and desires first to knowing you and your ways.
